Funny things in life

It's funny how things sometimes play out. You wish you had courage, but you're cowardly instead. You wish you had said something, but instead you did nothing at all. In truth, going through these things is what strengthens us in life. Although we hate going through terrible things like this, it's survivable and leads to surviving. (Didn't mean to go all Darwin on you there). Friends are precious but sometimes we make mistakes. It's hard to imagine life without a true friend until you are at that point. Stick to your friends, and don't let yourself wreck those precious friendships that are once in a lifetime. 

P. S.

To the boy who knows me, and what we went through, I'm sorry. I was selfish and acted without much thought of my actions. I'm sorry for wrecking our friendship and your trust in me. I've known you for almost half my life. I didn't mean to wreck things between us, I miss our friendship. 

confession time.

Dear boy,
I'm gonna miss you. I d ok by want to miss you. But I do, and I will. Part of me wishes I had never told you I need space, but I know it was for the best, i didn't want to hurt her. she's like my sister. all the times we've hurt each other, i never meant for it too happen. i never fell out of love with you, i never moved on. i was scared, so scared. how serious we were getting, how deep my feelings were, so i managed to make a mess of things. i didn't know how to handle things. when we separated for the last time, it wasn't because i didn't love you anymore, or because we were too serious. you forgot how much i know you. how much i can tell what you're thinking and feeling. you had moved on, while we were still together. i couldn't bare it. i was suppressing my fear, my fear that you would break my heart. in the end, you did. i couldn't handle being more committed than you. i was used to you always being there for me, for your great love and kindness. when you weren't here anymore, mentally and emotionally, i couldn't bare it. i knew it would be better for both of us if we weren't together anymore. so i ended it. i wish i had ended it differently, but i can't go back and change that. while you moved on, never letting on until i saw you and some girl together. it broke my heart, and my heart kept breaking while you moved on. some part of me wished that you still had feelings for me. that you still cared for me. truth of the matter, you didn't, and you don't. you care for me as a friend, as a sister even, but that's it. when i found out you started dating her, my heart cracked into millions of pieces. why she could be with you, and i had to sit back and wait and watch. but i care more about her than another chance with you. i may love you still, more than i ever have loved anyone else, but if i have to, i can be without you in my life, but breaking her heart because i made a foolish decision would hurt me, and hurt our friendship forever. i wish you were still with me in my life, and, most of all, i wish i knew how to move on. i've tried and tried, but you're still in my heart, and might be forever. im happy for you, and your strength. you've matured so much since we have been together. I'm sorry i had to cut you off. it may have been selfish, but i didn't want to end up hurting you again, or being hurt again. i love you still, and hopefully that will change soon. i can't go on like this, pining for you. maybe i need closure, but i don't know how to get that. short of simply asking you if you have moved on, but i don't think i could take the answer. it would either hurt me, or hurt you, her, and me. if i ever move on, i hope you can be my friend again. because i don't think i could live without you in my life. if you read this, just please, either say you still care, still love me, or stay cut off from me, and concentrate on your love for her. just please, i beg you, don't break her heart. stay faithful and respect her. if you move on emotionally, break up with her. have the balls to say what you're thinking and feeling. you'll know who you are when you read this.
love,
me

Juicy Story

I realize that what I most often write about is love. There's a reason for that. Being only 16, I have had much experience with love. I don't mean the kind of love where most teenage girls are only 2 weeks or so into a relationship and say "I love you", and then tell each boyfriend after that the same thing. When you tell every guy you love them, that can't really be love, especially when your relationships only last a month. I have only ever had 2 boys in my life who I love (and still love), and I find that it is much different having known them and loved them for 4 years than to have only known them for a few weeks. Over the years my feelings have done nothing but grow, and I have never felt more sure that they belong in my life. One of them I love as my brother, I go to him with everything, and now he's always there for me. We tried out the romantic dating think but it just didn't work. We just don't have feelings for each other in that way. Even though it didn't work, I still love him, and want him in my life (like my future...), and he feels the same way. We didn't ever end things on a bad note, and we just know that we need each other. The other guy, him and I are complicated. We met between 7th and 8th grade. We fell hard and fast for each other. We spent almost all summer together, and just talked. We quickly fell in love. Typically, I guard my heart like crazy. I don't take leaps of faith or just go for it. But that summer I asked him out. He said yes. We ended up dating on and off until the beginning of 10th grade. Problem was, I was always the one breaking up with him. I was always scared to death. When things got to serious, I ran away. I didn't know what else to do. I was afraid of how bad the heartbreak would be when it happened. Eventually, things got better. Now we're friends again, and he's dating other girls. I just want him to be happy, but I know I'm in love with him. We've actually been told by friends, parents, siblings, ect. that we act like an old married couple. So I'm stuck. I don't want to tell him because I don't want to mess things up again. He's having some serious issues with other girls, not even just me right now, so  I don't know. Problem is he knows me better than anyone so he can tell that something's wrong, I'm just lucky he hasn't figured it out yet. I realize this turned into more of  a diary entry... that's okay though, name of my blog and all, right?

Beautiful Song

Another one of my favorites

Song choice:)

Sorry... seems I'm on a real Katharine Mcphee kick lately...
must just be because I'm so obsessed with SMASH :D

Daily Thoughts

Sometimes it seems easier to hate a person than to love them. With love comes a plethora of other emotions, but hatred is more straightforward. Love brings jealousy and happiness, confusion, sadness, joy, fear, pride and many others. Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the other emotions and forget that the love is there and always will be. Love is one of the most complex emotions out there. It is the hardest to know if you are actually experiencing, or if it is simply infatuation. A good trick to know if your actually in love is such: you care about a person being happy more than you and said person being together. In my opinion, that is true love. When you can love someone yet let them go so they can be happy in life.

Thoughts for the day

Things can change in the blink of an eye so its best not to take advantage of the things you treasure most. People come in and out of your life and often there's not much you can do about it. So when someone special enters your life, cherish them and let them know how you feel